The Mind of Vertiago

Every now and then, I find myself willingly going into my dark room of memories—sitting comfortably, counting each scar on my body. The hope that my fresh wounds will ever fully heal begins to fade at the sight of my old ones. Some scars date back 20 years, still as visible as the ones created just three years ago. As I count them, I’m usually struck by a flashback of the event, but at first, my heart struggles to recapture the emotion. My memory resists the idea of reliving the pain. Is this what healing is? No. I stare at each scar and remember each moment as if it happened just a few hours ago. And like a lightning bolt striking a high mast during the greatest storm, here come the emotions. Shit. I wish I hadn’t gone through that. Regrets. People often promote the idea of living life with no regrets. But I’d argue that regret can be the greatest teacher available to anyone with a conscience. He delivers tough lessons that strip the ego bare. He outlasts the five stages of grief and ...

A chip on your shoulder, a heart on fire & teachings of forgiveness is an interesting combination. Do you want to know what I hate? I hate how easy it is to hate. I hate how resentment is always in the neighbourhood looking for the person that will let him in. He walks around with such a relatable story that makes it difficult not to invite him. Such a peaceful guest, if you don't pay attention to him you won't even remember letting him in, he simply just exists in your presence, until it is time to be fed. I ran. I didn't know what to do so I ran. I took everything that I had, picked up every teardrop and ran. Fear was pulling me by the shirt as I saw him in the distance. I could hear anxiety's whispers. So I ran.  I hate strength. I resent you for assuming that I'm strong enough to carry this burden. You watched me as I suffered and pretended that you understood what I was going through. You promised me that I will be alright. I resent you for that. You told m...

25 I need the inspiration that resulted in the creation of man, the inspiration that resulted in the creation of the oceans, the sky, sunsets, trees, every species that walks the Earth. I need the inspiration of the creation of every instrument that blesses our ears with beautiful tunes and peaceful sounds. The inspiration of every created language, every... Ofcourse I remember. You would swear it happened yesterday, my memory would never betray me from trying to re-experience something so blissful. It was like a dream where you and I were in our own world. All it took was for you to look in my direction with the intention of trying to catch my eye. Success found you very early as I was on the exact same mission. Everything slowed down. I could see every letter of every word that surrounded me. I noticed every colour that mixed together to form another. I could hear my heartbeat as it attempted to communicate to me that I was seeing something special. It was you. I remember you. Your h...

I don't write in this blog for any type of praise or recognition, which is why I feel weird whenever somebody mentions it to me. Some people tell me that my writing is good, which I appreciate but I don't consider the weight of their compliment because it does not compare even slightly to what I wanted to say, but did not have the words to express it. I wish silence could be read, then people would understand me. But for now I use words. This blog isn't any type of diary entry nor do I consider it a form of art. I view these as my raw introspective thoughts of my most passionate phases. I try to write them in an encrypted way so it can't be too obvious for the reader, and it leaves room for different versions of interpretation. I do wish silence could be read, then people would understand me. But for now I use words. The blog maybe makes up for 20% of what I feel, the other 80% gets swallowed up and stored for later outbursts of which I hope can be understood. If I star...

Music is everything to me.  My best friend, my soul mate, my lover, my beginning and my end. She has always been there for me, not once attempting to leave my side during the good and bad. Whenever I speak to her, she catapults me to the sky, forcing me to fight against the wind. The wind hits my face with brutal force, pulling my skin, making me struggle for my next breath. But I tend to forgive her more often than not because of what my eyes see in the process. I am blessed with the most beautiful sunset imaginable. The warmth painted across the sky is indescribable. So moving. The bright orange of this amazing sunset manages to penetrate straight through towards my heart.  But somehow it doesn’t enter… She stands across the room, waiting for her next move. I look up at her, anxiety is creeping up. The song is almost over. Wait… this is supposed to end? What do you mean it’s supposed to end? Don’t let me go, gravity is not kind to humans from this high in the sky. Don’t let ...

Section 18 Sunset Avenue TMOV 10 May 2024 Dear Unkwuhuig, I hold hope that this letter finds you well. It's been a while since we spoke and I thought since that's the case, it would be necessary to reach out to you in this fashion. We didn't leave on the greatest terms the last time we spoke, I just hope that you understood the angle that I was taking. Nevertheless, how are things with you? I hope everything has been fair to you, as they say, you reap what you sow, only you will be able to judge what is fair for you.  But the purpose of this letter is to remind you of how unfair you've been to me. I don't want us to be on bad terms again, but I have to express my honesty. You have been the birth giver of fear in my life, you have spoken confusion onto me, making me doubt every choice I make. Everything I leave behind is questioned by you with the undertone of loss. I know you meant no harm, I know you mean no harm, but I have to express my honesty. I have encountere...